Committment Quandary

I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but lately I've really had to search my heart and mind about my commitment quandary.  I'm a doer, a worker, a people pleaser as well, to be honest.  I enjoy serving  and being busy (my name IS Martha, after all).  If someone needs something done, they know that they can ask me because, chances are, I will say yes.

Well, lately I've been convicted that I'm pouring my service into the wrong ministries. There is so much that I enjoy doing: teaching Sunday School, going to Gleaners, participating in the Counselling Committee at church, babysitting before and after school, etc, etc. There are so many more ministries that I want to be involved with, too!  I would love to go deeper into the women's prison ministry, be a more active participant in the school council, participate in another small group at church, the list goes on. 

It seems like over the past few months, though, every time another opportunity comes up to be involved in yet another activity, barriers also pop up and unrest settles in my heart until I break down and say "no".  This is not easy for me.  I WANT to be involved!  I WANT to serve!  I WANT to be active in many ways, but I believe even more that God is telling me that it's time to stop.  I thought at first that maybe it was just the momma bear in me wanting to be with my little cubs, and then the self-doubting started and I thought that maybe I just couldn't be as effective any more anyway, and then I was just plain tired (this perimenopause stuff can really throw you for a loop!).

I've been hearing more clearly lately, through miscellaneous comments from friends, family, even the radio announcer today and Chuck Swindoll's program this week that it's time to start saying NO.  No, I can't organize that get together.  No, I'm sorry, I can't be on that committee.  No, it is not possible for me to attend that meeting next week.  No, I will not commit to going there every single Monday for the next six months.  No!  I am not available!

Here's what I've been convicted of:  my ministry right now is my family.  God has placed one husband and three boys in my life and I am the only wife and mother for these people!  If I'm not here for them, no one else can take my place!  Someone else can pick up my knife and chop vegetables at Gleaners, but no one else can console my eight year old boy whose very important Lego piece has fallen down the heating duct, never to be seen again, like I can.  Someone else can drive the women's prison van to take the inmates to their appointments, but no one else can faithfully sit here and read Katy the Caboose to my five year old over and over and over again like I can.  Someone else can chair the committee to decide on Teacher Appreciation Day activities, but no one can cheer on my husband when he's landed a new client like I can. 

My family is my ministry and if I'm so busy taking care of everything and everyone else, how can I minister to my family?  Is it fair of me to be upset with my kids when they are whining and crying during that arsenic hour between 4:30 and 5:30 every night?  They're hungry, but we can't eat yet because I've just run home at the last minute after a day full of ME ME ME activities and didn't have supper prepared!  It's not their fault, it's mine!  I want to be available to take my kids to their swimming lessons, cheer them on and then surprise them with an extra 30 minutes of play time at the YMCA.  I want to be here when they practice their piano lessons and then join them on the bench and sing along with them as they play.  I want to be prepared and organized enough in my day that when they ask me to play a game with them (even the long and boring ones like Monopoly, Life or Clue), I can spare the time to sit and play with them. I want to be here in the evenings so that when Fred doesn't have to do any after hours tapping in on clients' computers, we can sit on the couch and watch a Walton's episode together.

I think you get my point.

I'm still working hard at saying no.  I'm not very good at it yet, but I am working on it.  Someday my children will not need me any more and I'll have more time with my husband, but for now, I want to fill my life with the ministry of wife and mother first!  Then in my free time, I can participate in other activities IF they don't interfere with my other, most important jobs!  I am thankful that God is still allowing me to participate in some of the activities that I greatly enjoy, and I know that if there is something that I really should be doing, He'll shuffle things around so that I can add it to my responsibilities, but I certainly don't need to heap on the guilt and be active in every last thing that is thrown my way. 

For now, Proverbs 14:1 is what I'm meditating on and trying to consider with every new opportunity presented to me.  The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish pulls it down with her hands. (NKJV)  I want to be building my home by making this my number one ministry!